Life changes on a dime. Always. Expect the unexpected. Nothing is certain except Change. Or as they say Taxes and Death. You get the bad news… whether it is yours about your loved one, it hits you in the gut rendering you breathless. Here is my journal entry from October 13, 2014. Today is my wedding anniversary. Though my (then) husband and I have been together since July 1999, we only got married last year. Going on record here and saying that if yesterday is a reflection of our year together, I wouldn’t blame him for asking for a divorce as an anniversary present. I was taking out all my emotions on him. Crazy, right, since I am a therapist, I should have all that under control. Except I don’t. My emotions have been taking on a life of their own. Last Month… my mother was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Here is the lead up to the diagnosis and then some….
Aug 27, 2014 ER – thought it was pain from hernia. CAT showed shadow on pancreas.
Sept 11, 2014 Biopsy in Geisinger Wilkes-Barre – found out it was def cancer. Doctor said, “this is very concerning for cancer.” He said that if the biopsy came back clean he would send her for another biopsy.. I said, what – months or weeks later? He said, “Right away. Because if it comes back clean I did not get the right tissue.” No wiggle room there. So every day without a concrete diagnosis was a day without treatment. And we knew it was there. I left my niece in the hospital room to help mom get dressed and I went to the parking lot to get the car so she wouldn’t have to wait outside. On the way, I called my siblings. I broke down talking to my sister and she couldn’t handle the news and my raw grief also, so she got off the phone. She was at work and did not have flexibility to walk away from her job to process her own emotions… she had to get through the day. Period. So I picked up mom at the hospital entrance and we started driving. I remember feeling so tight. I felt like I couldn’t breathe right. I wanted to acknowledge it somehow, but acknowledging it makes it real… and it was too soon. But what about mom? She was so quiet in the car. Looking at the sky, she said, Oh it looks cloudy. I immediately flashed to the scene in Beaches and Bette Midler’s song where Barbara Hershey is reading about the illness that will eventually take her life – while Bette sings “I think it’s gonna rain today.” And I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. But I didn’t want to cry in front of her. I put my hair over my face and shielded the tears from her. I only spoke when I knew my voice would be strong. Then she said, “what do we tell your father?” I said, I guess we tell him the truth. She said she didn’t want to worry him. Here she was, hearing probably the scariest information she has ever personally had, and she didn’t want to scare him. She said to play it like nothing is certain right now and that we are waiting for the results to know for sure. So that is how we played it.
Then she asked me to tell her younger sister, and her best friend. I had already told all my siblings. I told Dad. I was wiped out. And I was trying to be strong for everyone. On my way home I cried my eyes out. As I walked in the door, my (then) husband lifted his arms for me to just walk into them, and he held me while I cried. No words were exchanged. It was the first comforting moment I had all day. I cried again that night. Hot, hot tears coursed down my face as my body quaked with pain of the sobs I held in so I wouldn’t wake my husband.
So began a flurry of Doctor visits, hoping against hope that this was all some big mistake, some cosmic joke… not her. Not my Mom. It’s not supposed to go this way. I love my parents, both of them, but Dad has had cancer for YEARS, and has been dialysis for 5 years as well… I was prepared to lose him, barely. I was not prepared for this. October 15 my Paternal Grandmother would be turning 102. Please, God, NO… not her. Not my Mom.
I don’t have time to do all the things I dreamed I would do for her… new house, new everything. No leaky roof, no cold winters or hot summers… climate control in the house… a nice comfy chair for her to go on the computer with and do her crafts. Those books… the pictures…she lovingly put together the scrap books… I would cry every time I looked at them for how tender or funny they are. The blankets she crocheted for each of us… I wrap myself up in it at night, a way of keeping her close to me.
Yes, the bad news. It’s a cruel part of life. But I lived through it and the grief of losing my mom a few short months later. Perhaps you are going through something really hard right now. Perhaps you are grieving the loss of a loved one, or even the loss of life as you knew it before. So many things we grieve and so many ways also. sSince that journal entry, I have grieved the loss of my father, of dear friends, and sadly also my marriage. Often we don’t allow ourselves to grieve because their isn’t a definite date of departure. What if the grief we have is ongoing, stressing over a loved one who struggles with addiction, or a chronic illness, or our own health or finances. What if our inability to deal with the constant stress is impacting on our relationships and our ability to cope at work or at home?
What. If. There. Is. Help?
Crying… guilt… fear… anger… experiencing a multitude of emotions… it is all normal. It is a part of the healing. – it is necessary to allow yourself to feel things… To allow time to move you through the journey – whatever it is. But sometimes… sometimes… it takes too long- and the very idea of waking up another day with unresolved grief or fear or sadness is just too much. When it’s taking too long and you know you should be stabilizing from it but you are still traumatized… reach out. Talk to someone.
Five things you can do to heal from loss or grief:
- Talk about it. To a friend… to a family member… to someone who has been through the same thing (like in a support group)…
- Allow yourself to cry… also to experience the full range of emotions (disbelief, anger, depression, for instance).
- Write a letter to the person you lost. Pour your thoughts out in a journal. Especially the positives and how you are changed for the better because of the relationship or how these things can be remembered.
- Re-engage in activities with family and friends.
- Do not suffer. If it’s taking longer than a year for you to re-engage in your life – talk to a professional. Complicated grief may need professional intervention. It could be because of a broken relationship, lost job, death, anything that no longer is what it was. Don’t over think it. Just call someone.